I think most people think someone with Diabetes are most likely are either overweight and just need to stop eating all the carbs or they are just lazy and they don't want to workout. It angers me to see people who think they know everything and could not be farther from the truth.

I was diagnosed with Diabetes over 15 years ago. The only reason I found out is that my vision was blurred and when I finally did go to the Dr. my blood sugar was over 600 and the normal range should be 80-120. It scared me....here I was a young adult and I'm hearing how people in my family are dying or losing limbs from Diabetes. I spent the past 15 years caring for myself and sometimes living like I did not suffer from this disease. I hate it. I think about Diabetes and it brings up this anger within me....I used to not be able to handle this emotion. I used to just suppress it and pretend that it did not exist but I am now trying to turn that suppression into a healthy anger ( if that term even exists). As of now, I give myself 4 shots a day and may possibly be put onto a insulin pump sometime into the future. They ultimately think there may be an issue with my liver which may be causing the high numbers. The cool thing is recently, Gregg and I found this herb supplement that helps livers repair themselves. I have been taking it and almost immediately we noticed a difference in my blood sugar numbers.

On October 9th, I am walking in a 5k to raise money for Diabetes. I'm excited to act proactive in this fight and have officially become an advocate for the American Diabetes Association. Who would have ever thought that I would become an advocate of anything?! More than 220 Million men, women and children are suffering worldwide due to diabetes and instead of just laying down and let it attack me (like I have been doing for the past 15 years).....we can fight back, I WILL fight back. We can take care of our bodies, we can make it more affordable for people who cannot afford the expense of insulin,and syringes and test strips. We can provide people with the knowledge they need to have to become stronger than their disease. Don't just lay down and let it attack you. Don't lose your limbs. Don't eat like you are not diabetic. Fight it...it's within you.

Angels

I used to have a large collection of angels. I had them surrounding my life...on my mantle, over my kitchen sink, on my nightstand, and even hanging on my walls. It was nice to be able to see those reminders constantly and it gave me that safe feeling that I was searching for. About 4 years ago I got rid of all of them and sold them for about 10 cents a peice at a garage sale. It saddened me to get rid of them but I felt like I did not need those constant reminders anymore. Lately, I've been seeing angels everywhere....It's one of those things that if I'm at a store or even another garage sale, it makes me stop in my tracks to look at the beauty of an angel. I love them and I love the way they make me feel.

I was skyping with my sister this morning and we were discussing the things we always talk about...kids and husbands. But just recently, our coversations have taken a turn in a different direction. My sisters oldest son was just diagnosed with Asbergers Syndrome which is a form of Autism. Everything she thought was important a year ago is now null and void. Brian has become the center of her heart and trying to get him all the help he needs to live a long, meaningful life. I sat there watching her face as she talked about Brian and as she read me some information regarding Asbergers and my heart filled with the same feeling I feel everytime I see one of those beautuful angels at Hobby Lobby. She loves unconditionally...no matter what. Her love for her children made me see the reason why I love angels so much. It's love. They love me and watch over me just like Karen loves and watches over her children.

I think I'll start my collection again.

My Aunt Penny died a week ago today. Aunt Penny was my Godmother. She did not take this title lightly. She viewed it as a job to make sure that God was the center of my life. She did not pressure...she just guided me in a way that led me to fall totally in love with God. You could see it in her eyes...it was this unconditional love that no matter what I did, I knew she was going to love me. We were planning on starting a new bible study over skype and we were both pretty excited about it but unfortunately that day never came. God chose to take her to be with him. I remember talking to her one day about what it will be like to walk into Heaven. She told me that her Heaven would be filled with bright vibrant flowers with colors we have never seen here on earth. She said there are no words to describe the beauty of God. I always felt her love of God made her have no fear of death and that lack of fear rubbed off on me.

Most people that know me know that I'm an emotional person. I carry my heart on my sleeve which causes me to have a hard time controlling my emotions. I left for Erie, Pa. on Sunday to be there to support my family. I was laughing as I was sitting in the Atlanta airport, thinking...How in the world am I going to be able to support my family. I'm going to be a basketcase and there is NO way I'll be able to be a support for anyone. I began praying. I prayed me whole flight asking for strength. I arrived to my grandparents home and from the moment I stepped into the front door... I felt God. I remained strong through every moment of my time in Erie. I held my grandparents hands as they mourned, I cared for my mother as she weeped for her sister, I held my cousin as she cried for her mother and I still remained strong. I can't explain any of this except saying that it was God.

I'll miss my Aunt Penny. She was my mentor, my Godmother, and just my good friend. I'm thankful that she was in my life...even if it was for a short time. She changed my life..she helped me to realize that even in the dark moments, like her funeral, God's there. Penny McCray will be missed and I know that someday..I will see you again.

Below is what Aunt Penny had on her faceboook in her "about me section" Read it and maybe you'll know why she was so loved.

I am a work in progress =)

I hate lies...
Not big on whiners either.

You never know what someone is going through or how close to the edge they are...be nice.

I do not like mean people.

Selfish, cocky and self centered people, please...I am not nearly as impressed by you as apparently you are.

I believe you reap what you sow in all areas of life

I hate drama...I repeat, I hate drama.

All you Know-it-alls should know...most of us don't care.

I don't think it's safe to have a foot on each side of the fence, spiritually.... or worldly

I understand now that life is a great teacher

I believe with age comes wisdom

I'm okay with growing old.

I really believe God hears me and if I pay attention
I can hear Him too.

I believe in healing.
I believe in kindness
I believe in Grace.
I believe in Mercy.
I believe in peace
I don't think it's wise to tick God off.

I hate racism

I hate people using Jesus' name in vain.

I think it's nicer to be nice

I'm a tad OCD....maybe a tad more than a tad.

I think a smile goes a looong way

I don't like people only seeing their own point of view

I think it's not as complicated as you think.

I love to garden.
I love the sun.
I love the beach.
I love dogs
I love the smell of cut grass
I want to help.
I love to laugh
I love to decorate
I love art


I would like to be a storm chaser
I would like to live on the beach
I'm a purse freak.


I love being with my family.
My sisters are my best friends =]

I wish I had money to randomly help people anonymously

Stepmom

People hear the word stepmom and they instantly think of The evil Stepmother in Cinderella. I sat in a singing performance of my stepdaughters last night. Krysta had a solo part in the mini play. I sat nervously waiting for her part...holding my husbands hand and taking a deep breath as I was waiting for her to step on the stage. She walked close to the microphone and opened her mouth...the sound that flowed out was almost as if it was an angel singing on stage. My eyes filled with tears and I sat there listening to her. She sings very soft so I could not figure out the words she was singing but I could hear the sound and it made my heart so happy.

I never have viewed my stepdaughters as stepdaughters...I've always said, "I have 3 daughters". Even as I sat there last night, The beautiful voice on that stage was my daughter. I struggle at times to overlook the the difficulties of everyday life...knowing that I live in the same neighborhood of my husbands ex. Sometimes I get the mean looks from old friends of that old marriage, fake smiles and fake hello's, and sometimes no responses to a simple smile. I struggle with this daily. But what it truly comes down too is that I love these children as if they were my own. My hope is that one day when they grow into young women, they look at me and say thank you for loving me as your own daughter. Thank you for being there for me...thank you for coming to my performances and tennis matches and softball games and cheering me on as your own daughter. So even with all the difficulties that comes with being the stepmom..I would not change a thing. It's worth it.

I have 3 daughters.

It has been a while since I sat down and wrote. I first have to start off by saying I FEEL GREAT! How amazing is that? After 2 weeks of antibiotics from the blood infection and having a tight control of my diabetes...it has been like someone turned a light switch and there is now life in me. It's unbelievable how far I've come...from laying on the couch with no energy to move to an abundance of energy. I am so thankful....seriously...I know people say that all the time but I'm filled with appreciation that I'm ok and I'm gonna be ok.

Yesterday, something odd happened to me. I was driving home and I was sitting at a light waiting for it to turn green. I noticed a car across from me with a woman in it waiting for her light as well. I'm not sure what made me even stare at her...usually, I'm in my own world. I'm usually thinking about the day ahead of me or thinking about things in my life. Maybe it's selfish but my driving time has almost become my time...and I enjoy it. As I stared at this woman further, I noticed she was crying. I saw her sobbing into a tissue. She looked like she was in so much pain and it began to break my heart. I began to think about all the things that could be happening to her to make her so sad...maybe a family member died, or maybe she was going through a divorce or maybe she just felt like she could not take it anymore. I began to cry(for those of you that do not know me...I'm an emotional basket case). At that very moment, my light turned green and so did her light. For the first time ever, I wanted the light to stay red. We both started driving and for about 1 second she was right in front of me and I saw the pain close up and all I wanted to do was hug her. Her face was red for the prolonged crying and her eyes were swollen. She drove away and I continued home. I started thinking of what an impact this woman was having on me and how crazy it was. All I could do was pray. I prayed out loud in my car the whole way home for her. I don't even know her name or even why she was so upset but I prayed.

Not sure why this had such an impact on me. I think it may be because I was her a month ago. I felt so sick and all I did was cry and feel sorry for myself because I felt miserable. Maybe when I was sitting at a light someone prayed for me because I looked incredibly sad. My heart broke for her. I think I'll do more of that....going outside of myself and look at my surroundings. Something so small had such a huge impact.

Taking a beating

Have you ever seen those cop shows like CSI or Criminal Minds where the bad guy is beating up some poor helpless victim that is trying so hard to escape from the evil villain? The victim is usually running as fast as they can but they just can't run fast enough or they can't scream loud enough. It's almost as if their lungs have been ripped out of their chests. Finally the villain always catches the helpless victim and grabs them and throws them to the ground and they have them exactly where they want them. There are 2 ways the villain will kill the poor victim. They could end their misery quickly with a bullet. Or they could make them suffer....they could begin beating them. The victim is laying on the ground in the fetal position with their hands over their head trying their best to protect themselves. But the villain does not care...he just kicks them over and over and causes repeated pain. Out of the two scenario's, I feel like victim 2 that is getting kicked over and over and harder and harder.

Sitting in the Cardiologists office yesterday and hearing that he thought my heart has a blockage and that he felt I now have heart disease...totally crushed me. I'm supposed to go into the hospital on Monday to have a heart catherization.

The bottom line is that I hope that the CSI agents bust through the door and save me from my beating soon. Not sure how much more I can take.

Struggle

It's been a while since I last sat and wrote a blog....I guess it comes to that oh so wonderful saying "If you don't have anything nice to say than don't say anything." Everyday seems to be a huge struggle with the Dr's and insurance companies. I did have some blood results come in and the Dr's now say that there is a bacteria infection in my blood. They immediately put me on some strong antibiotics to try and stop the damage that bacteria in my blood could be doing to my organs...especially to my heart. After 7 days of antibiotics, if the levels have not lowered then they will be putting me in the hospital for 2 days worth of IV Antibiotics to kill the bacteria.

The Dr. says that I need to have this Nuclear Heart Test immediately but the insurance company is reviewing this request and making sure its not a pre existing illness(which it's not). To make a long story short, Gregg and I were able to get it approved and will be able to schedule the test within a couple days. They are waiting for a couple more things to be faxed over from my Dr's office and then I can schedule it. I don't think I've ever been so excited to be approved for something. Most people are thrilled when they are approved to purchase their first home or approved to get into the college of their dreams, or approved to purchase a sweet new ride but I was approved to have a heart test and felt as if I hit the lottery. Hearing this news, I fell on the couch and cried my eyes out on my husbands chest. It was a small victory in this huge ongoing saga that has taken over my life the past couple months.

I called the Dr's office yesterday to see if they could call the insurance company to give them the info they needed and I could hear the tone of her voice, and it just filled me with anger. Her voice had no urgency. She was just doing her job...I felt as if I was just a number. I said "listen...if I could call the insurance company and take care of this myself, I would but they need my Dr's office to call them and give them the information. I need someone that is going to go to bat for me and fight for me".

I've been replaying that scenario in my head and those words that came out of my mouth. "I need someone that's going to go to bat for me". In my last blog I spoke of Stephen Saxton telling me to be still and listen so with this one sentence replaying in my head was God telling me something. I felt as if God may be telling me, I AM going to bat for you not Bonnie from your Dr's office, not the review board from your insurance company...it's me. It's always been me but you've been way to wrapped up in going nonstop to realize that I AM here for you and I WILL always be here for you.

This is to be continued.....I will let you know when I have a definite date of the nuclear heart test. Please pray that the bacteria has not found a home in my heart.