Thursday, February 25, 2010
Gregg and I had a meeting with one of our Pastors, Stephen Saxton, yesterday. I've been feeling this overwhelming anger in my heart. I sat there the whole time and just sobbed. I cried because I've had to quit everything of importance in my life. I stepped back from Axiom, stepped back from being a wife and mom that made our home and lives flow, stepped back from being a friend that everyone could depend on, stepped back from faking that huge smile when I felt like my life was crumbling and the most important of all, I feel like I am taking a step back from God. I was and am angry that I have become this woman that is so tired and feels so badly that I cannot do one thing on the list above. So I sat with my husband and Stephen yesterday and I told him all of that and I said with all certainty, "I am pissed".
I grew up as a person that made a ton of mistakes and God loved me and accepted me as Kelly Therieau..no matter what mistakes I made. I have always thought, if God could forgive me and love me then he can forgive and love anybody. So my life for the past 5 years has entailed me serving others for God's love and affection. I thought the more I DID, the more he would love me. Let me repeat that, the more I DID meant God would love me more. So, basically because I was an amazing volunteer at church, because I ran an 7th grade girls small group, 11th grade girls small group and 12th grade girls(D group), because I was an amazing wife that made sure my husband was pleased with every avenue of his life, because I was an amazing and funny mom and step-mother, God would just be sitting on his throne in Heaven looking down beaming with pride that his daughter down here on earth was running herself into the ground and serving his people. But in my mind it was all for him. DOING was my way of showing God, that I loved him with my whole heart.
Once Stephen told me that sometimes God will put struggles in our paths because he knows it the only way that we will stop and recalculate which direction we are headed towards. I asked him a question that is still playing in my mind and saddens me that I would even think it. "Will God still love me if I'm not DOING anything for him". Meaning, I'm stuck at home on my couch, barely able to take care of my family, will God still love me if I'm not out there changing the world...making a difference in the lives of these students or doing my laundry so my family can have clean clothes. Even as I type this, it sounds so super crazy but this is where I'm at spiritually. I learned from Stephen that God just wants my love. He does not want me to DO anything. There is no certain amount of hours that I must log in as a volunteer at my church to win his love. He loves me...all of me..even the scarred part. It's a process that I'll be fighting for a while so during this time of this illness, I'm spending my time being still and listening and NOT DOING.
On a side note, I hope to find out next week if and where the tumors are in my body. I had to take this medication and collect my urine and this test would determine if tumors are on the pituitary or adrenal gland. Crazy that they can look at your urine and see where tumors are. Thanks for reading:)
Sunday, February 21, 2010
I have been saying for years that I was going to start a blog of my life and I hate that I'm starting in the midst of health turmoil but I guess it's better late than never. Life right now for Kelly Therieau is a bit crazy. Two days before Christmas my hands went numb and I reluctantly went to the Dr. I found out that my health was in pretty bad shape. Now here we are 2 months later and we still have not figured it out what the culprit of the scare. The Dr's seem to think has to do with either my adrenal or pituitary gland. In fact they think it may be this scary word called tumor. Side note...whenever I hear the word tumor, I can't help but chuckle just a little bit because I think of Arnold Schwarzenegger in the movie Kindergarten Cop. He says in his accent, "It's not a Tumor". Back to the story, on the other hand, in a land of happy and positive thoughts, it could just be stress. Isn't that crazy that stress has the capability of taking your life and body and just turning it upside down? In the world of Kelly, I've always been the type that worries about everything and thinks about everyone BUT herself. So now I've been forced to basically drop everything. The Dr. has told me that I need to "empty my life" until I can get it all under control.
Emptying my life means dropping something that has been driving me for the past 2 years. Axiom. Axiom is a student ministry that I've dedicated my heart and soul. I have developed a passion for students. I actually decided last year that I was going to work as a missionary and raise my own salary because I believe so much in students and the fact that they are capable of changing the world. I was helping build a "student mall" where middle school and high school students could come and be mentored and chill and basically be loved. With all of these amazing things came alot of stress and worry. I used to lay in bed and worry about each student. If I knew that kids were living in a tough home life, I would lay in bed and pray for them. Gregg and I were even willing to have one student who got kicked out of his home to come live with us but it ended up working out to where he was able to stay home. The bottom line is that this became who I am and with this whole illness thing has forced me to let it go. It has been so difficult to go from someone who is in the middle of it all and playing in the game to someone who is sitting on the sidelines.
This week I am going through all the further testing to see if there is a Tumor. I hope and pray that it's nothing.
What's God trying to tell me in all this mess? I know that everything happens for a reason but this one has my mind totally boggled. I know I should not question what God is doing but it's hard for me to not ask why? Why would God have me empty all the good I was doing with my life. I was serving. I was being obedient and a loving compassionate person. I can't help but have some anger about this whole mess.
So, my life at the moment involves me rarely leaving the house. I feel like crap. My body is so worn and tired which is one of the symptoms of this whole mess that's going on within my body. Even though I am feeling so poorly, I am so crazy thankful for my family. Gregg is the most understanding and loving man and has been taking care of me since day 1. And Sarah keeps me laughing so I don't have to think about all the "what if's".
I keep thinking that tomorrow is a new day and it may be a better day than the last. It helps when the sun is shining and the tempature is 65!