Thursday, February 25, 2010

Gregg and I had a meeting with one of our Pastors, Stephen Saxton, yesterday. I've been feeling this overwhelming anger in my heart. I sat there the whole time and just sobbed. I cried because I've had to quit everything of importance in my life. I stepped back from Axiom, stepped back from being a wife and mom that made our home and lives flow, stepped back from being a friend that everyone could depend on, stepped back from faking that huge smile when I felt like my life was crumbling and the most important of all, I feel like I am taking a step back from God. I was and am angry that I have become this woman that is so tired and feels so badly that I cannot do one thing on the list above. So I sat with my husband and Stephen yesterday and I told him all of that and I said with all certainty, "I am pissed".

I grew up as a person that made a ton of mistakes and God loved me and accepted me as Kelly matter what mistakes I made. I have always thought, if God could forgive me and love me then he can forgive and love anybody. So my life for the past 5 years has entailed me serving others for God's love and affection. I thought the more I DID, the more he would love me. Let me repeat that, the more I DID meant God would love me more. So, basically because I was an amazing volunteer at church, because I ran an 7th grade girls small group, 11th grade girls small group and 12th grade girls(D group), because I was an amazing wife that made sure my husband was pleased with every avenue of his life, because I was an amazing and funny mom and step-mother, God would just be sitting on his throne in Heaven looking down beaming with pride that his daughter down here on earth was running herself into the ground and serving his people. But in my mind it was all for him. DOING was my way of showing God, that I loved him with my whole heart.

Once Stephen told me that sometimes God will put struggles in our paths because he knows it the only way that we will stop and recalculate which direction we are headed towards. I asked him a question that is still playing in my mind and saddens me that I would even think it. "Will God still love me if I'm not DOING anything for him". Meaning, I'm stuck at home on my couch, barely able to take care of my family, will God still love me if I'm not out there changing the world...making a difference in the lives of these students or doing my laundry so my family can have clean clothes. Even as I type this, it sounds so super crazy but this is where I'm at spiritually. I learned from Stephen that God just wants my love. He does not want me to DO anything. There is no certain amount of hours that I must log in as a volunteer at my church to win his love. He loves me...all of me..even the scarred part. It's a process that I'll be fighting for a while so during this time of this illness, I'm spending my time being still and listening and NOT DOING.

On a side note, I hope to find out next week if and where the tumors are in my body. I had to take this medication and collect my urine and this test would determine if tumors are on the pituitary or adrenal gland. Crazy that they can look at your urine and see where tumors are. Thanks for reading:)



  1. kelly thank you for the wisdom in this. Nothing depends on me, but God. And you are, God created to love Him back, that's it, just to love him, trust him and let everything else go. Man, that is good stuff Kelly. Thanks

  2. That is weird...they can test your pee and see where tumors are? Crazy. Now if they can just find a way to cure it!

    On a more serious are amazing Kelly, please don't ever feel like you need to fake a smile ever again. Sometimes we just need to sit, relax and take care of ourselves. We can not hear God if we are too busy "trying" to please Him.
    Psalm 46:10
    Philippians 4:8
    Psalm 4:4


  3. Kelly, I understand where you are at ... completely! So refreshing to see you share your story! That is doing so much for Him! I noticed you used the term "driven". Not sure how much you know about transactual analysis- its a therapuetic term we use in counseling. Anyway, transacutaul analysis seeks to help us identify where our drives come from and understand how our tendencies to be driven affect the outcomes in our lives- it is all very facsinating and there are different "drivers". You may like reading about it. I learned alot about myself from looking into it. It has a lot to doo with exactly what you are writing about. If you wish, check out my blog as well!